Friday, January 27, 2006

Existential Angst

When I woke up this morning my whole body ached.

Last night I got home at a decent hour, also known as before 7 pm. On my way back I stopped at the grocery store and picked up a rotisserie chicken, bread, some lettuce and a jar of mayonnaise. It was freezing outside. When I got home I turned on the lights, turned up the heat and then went into the kitchen. I dropped my mail on the counter, took out the food and crumpled and tossed the empty bag in the trashcan. I made myself a sandwich, poured a drink, carried them into the living room, switched on the TV and put the food down on the coffee table. Then I went to shower. Afterwards I got out, towel dried my hair and pulled on an old t-shirt as I walked back into the living room. I sat down, switched to channel 7 just as CSI was starting. Watched for a few minutes, took a couple of bites and drank a little wine. Then I lay down on the couch, my head propped up on two cushions, another clutched to my side and fell asleep.

When I woke up it was halfway through Without A Trace. I looked over at the blinking light on the DVD player. It said 10:21. I turned around, fell asleep and woke up again at 7:49 am with a hangover like headache, unexpected aches, the TV buzzing merrily in the background and the realization that my life has become dull.

I was never the girl who drank herself into near-stupor or danced topless on a bar. But I was there, somewhere in that bar, surrounded by friends, generally watching the tableau unfold in amusement or dancing myself (just not topless). I used to go ice trekking and swimming in the ocean and to book clubs and parties. I have lived in or been to NYC, Chicago, Seattle, Cleveland, Denver, Dallas, Bangkok, Amsterdam, Paris, London, Delhi and Calcutta. And I have met interesting people along the way. Now all I do most days is work, come home and crash.

This, my friends, is what's called existential angst.

2 Comments:

Blogger beefdrop said...

also known, unfortunately, as Life. But, this life situation that you live right now, may be something you look back to and relish, as memories of independant freedom, and noone pulling your life in any direction, or holding you back from persueing your dreams. Although, I guess life itself can be enough to deter someone from stretching past themselves. We should start up a company that you can call up and hire midgets, like to clean your house, or to entertain at parties, etc. How does that sound?

1/28/2006 5:21 PM  
Anonymous becky said...

they already have companies like that but I don't know of any with midgets. that's an idea...

1/28/2006 8:48 PM  

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