Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Learning To Fly

When I ran into an old friend on Sunday I thought this might happen. Married people everywhere are determined to see me married. It is their sole purpose in life. They are on a mission. They stand unflinchingly united in this despite all my protestations. The fact that I may not be ready or may not want it does not discourage them at all. If anything it spurs them into action. I am the last frontier to be conquered in the jihad of marriage. (Ok, I admit, that was badly mixed metaphor)

Luckily, after years of practice I know how to dodge people's attempts to set me up on blind dates. It is one of my many talents. (Others include burning toast, parallel parking, being able to flawlessly paint my right fingernails with my left hand - I am very proud of that one - and the ability to stun crying babies into silence with impromptu renditions of Roadhouse Blues in the middle of crowded coffee houses.)

When my friend calls I am ready. The standard excuses roll off my tongue smoothly. "Oh, that's so sweet but I am taking a break." "I need some me time." "I am thinking of becoming a lesbian." "I was kidding. I am a lesbian." "I am moving to Massachusetts."

Sadly it doesn't work.

After I hang up I feel oddly upset and restless, even tearful, and not just because I hate blind dates. Since the breakup I have shied away from male contact unless it was work related. Outwardly there is no change in me but inside I know things are never going to be exactly the same again. After I hang up I start to think. It's been seven months. How much longer am I going to mourn? And why am I mourning anyway? Men jump from relationship to relationship all the time. Yes, I know, not every guy is a heartless unfeeling bastard but let's face it, men are better at moving on than women are. Maybe it's time I stopped hiding from the world and started living again.

I keep thinking back to last night in the car and to Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers singing "Learning To Fly."

The good ol' days may not return
And the rocks might melt and the sea may burn
Some say life will beat you down
Break your heart, steal your crown
So I've started out for God knows where
I guess I'll know when I get there
I'm learning to fly, around the clouds

Maybe I will find my wings are clipped for good. And then again, maybe I will find that they are not.

7 Comments:

Blogger Neil said...

I always wonder when people push you to do something they do, like get married or have children, do they want you to be happy... or do they want you to share their misery?

Take your time.

1/26/2006 12:48 PM  
Blogger beefdrop said...

Sometimes we find the best things when we're not looking for them.

Um. you mentioned that you're still in mourning from the last relationship... did he pass away?, or just a nasty split?

My best friend was in a car accident when he was driving home with his girlfriend late one night. He hit some black ice, and the car spun, and wrapped itself around a tree. He stumbled out of the car to find his girlfriend, (with whom he had planned to move away with and go to university with) - he found his girlfriend with her brains half hanging out. He held her until she died. The paramedics came quick enough, and started to pound on her to recessitate her, but it didn't work. He has been mourning his last relationship, for almost four years now.

1/26/2006 2:41 PM  
Blogger cherchezlafemme said...

Ah, neil, you should talk to my mother! But I am not too worried. No one's got me to do anything completely against my will yet.

And beefdrop, that's a very touching story. I hope you friend does okay.

1/27/2006 9:23 AM  
Blogger beefdrop said...

I know, I got a little excite with my story there, sory about that. My friend has survived, but barely. He's still attending court shit regarding it. The family of his girlfriend, said at her funeral that he was not to blame, so that helped. He became dellusional and obsessive for a while, became a heavy crackhead. Just recently he went on a health craze, and is jogging and taking his medication, lost 50 lbs, and is doing well. I keep him in my prayers, and go to the odd hockey game with him.

1/28/2006 5:28 PM  
Blogger beefdrop said...

I know, I got a little excite with my story there, sory about that. My friend has survived, but barely. He's still attending court shit regarding it. The family of his girlfriend, said at her funeral that he was not to blame, so that helped. He became dellusional and obsessive for a while, became a heavy crackhead. Just recently he went on a health craze, and is jogging and taking his medication, lost 50 lbs, and is doing well. I keep him in my prayers, and go to the odd hockey game with him.

1/28/2006 5:28 PM  
Anonymous becky said...

yeah, definitely life. life sucks sometimes. I felt like I was reading about myself in this post.

1/28/2006 8:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, I can totally relate. Just found your blog and I know this is an older post so I don't know if you will see this comment but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

3/02/2006 11:30 PM  

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