Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Catharsis

I have 3 blinking messages from John in the mailbox which I have played a hundred times but not returned, medical expenses coming up for mom’s surgery (which I will have to pay because my parents need their meagre savings for their future), the possibility of unemployment looming closer (I have decided that if they don’t give me leave then fuck them I am quitting) and I have been crying non-stop thinking about my Ex, my grandmother and Aikda.

I know it’s pathetic to whine about your Ex 7-8 months after a breakup but oh well. At least I am not calling him.

The first time I said I was leaving him was about 8 months after we met. I never asked him to be exclusive. He said he had broken up with her, the other girl he was seeing, so he could be with me. He said he couldn’t see himself with anyone else. He said, "Je ne sais quoi. I have been trying to think, what it is about you." He said, "You are not like any other girl. You are special." He said, "I kept picturing you naked in the shower and got distracted in the middle of a board meeting. What are you doing to me?" Then he said, "I went to see her." He said he couldn’t help it. She was crying and calling every night and begging him to come see her. One thing led to another. I froze, then I cried, then I ranted and stormed. This went on for weeks. When I calmed down I said it was over. He begged me not to leave him, said it was a mistake, it didn't mean anything. But how could it not?

I left. And then I missed him. Horribly. I missed not sharing stories or hearing his jokes or his laughter. I missed his arrogance and even those stupid prior conquest stories he insisted on telling me. So, 3 months later, and lots of roses, apologies and grovelling on his part later, we got back together. And then we broke up again. I don’t even remember what it was this time but it doesn’t matter. Whatever the reason it was only a convenient excuse. The damage was done. It was always there between us. We never recovered from it. Initially, he apologized profusely. Later he said, "What’s the big deal? I am not the first guy to mess up. How long are you going to keep bringing this up?" He said he would call but didn’t. For days, even weeks. Then he said, "If you are going to leave, just leave."

So I left. And again I missed him. My grandmother died. I turned to the one guy I had opened up to like I had to no one else. He was comforting, sweet, thoughtful. He said he was happy to see me again. He seemed changed. Maybe he was. But the ghost was between us, unspoken. I got gifts, jewelry, roses but not him. I gave them back. I didn’t want gifts, jewelry or roses. I wanted him. This time he called when he said he would. He finally came close but I withdrew. He said, "I don’t know how to fix this. I am beginning to think we can’t." So, for the third and last time, we left each other.

This is the final breakup. We have not tried to contact each other. Not even to say sorry. There are things I said that I shouldn’t have. Harsh, cold, cruel. But I can’t say sorry. Why open old sores? For all I know he is okay now.

But I don’t know how to heal. I don’t know if I can. I am afraid. Trust is a problem with me. I haven’t had a lot of people to rely on. I was more my parents guardian than they were mine. My brother always had me to turn to. I didn’t really have anyone. I know this sounds like late night melodramatic bullcrap but it’s pretty much the truth. He was my sanctuary. My escape from the world. The one place where I thought I would be safe. And I wasn’t. That changed everything. Now I don’t want to risk it again.

Still it wasn’t this bad. The month after the breakup I cried a lot. The month after I cried a little less. Then slowly I stopped crying. Until last Sunday. Suddenly I can’t stop crying. Why?

It’s a date, I keep telling myself. Not a relationship. Just a date. It’s not like I have never dated before. But. Maybe I can’t "just date" anymore. A date implies possibilities.

There is a woman in my office. She’s 39, divorced. She says she’s not looking for love, just sex. Maybe that’s my future. I don’t know what kind of a future that is but it’s gotta be better than crying your eyes out in front of a computer monitor at 1 in the morning, swilling champagne straight from the bottle, in his old t-shirt that he conveniently left behind and your old panties that you wear because it makes your ass look cute even though there is no one around to tell you so anymore.

My worst fear? Is that he has forgotten me. He seemed so distant towards the end. Like he was not even there anymore. He said it didn’t matter anymore, one way or the other. So here I am drowning in my own tears and for all I know he has moved on. I don’t care if he has and is happy. There was a time when I wanted him to suffer for all of eternity but now I want him to be happy. The only thing that kills me is not knowing if he thinks of me at all. What if he doesn't? What if he has forgotten me? What if it never meant as much to him as it did to me?

What if this is it? This is as good as it gets?

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hear a constant "I'm so in-control so everybody dumps on me". Well, maybe its because you're acting so as to control others to the point that they feel they have no choice except to dump on you.

Why not allow others some control, in a positive way.

It's rude to avoid John. Call him and listen to him, but don't be afraid to tell him that you want time to think about things if that's how you feel. But give him a chance to talk.

If you need leave from work, don't ask them, tell them, then do it. If they choose to fire you then yeah, it would be a bummer, but you're better off not staying with such a disrespectful company.

Let mom pay for her surgery; after all, isn't that what they've saved money for? If, later on, she needs help as a result of spending her savings then you still can help her out. But first let her help herself.

And sue that nasty woman who hit your car.

I'll bet you'll be surprised to find that others are capable of more than you think if only you'll give them a chance.

2/08/2006 10:17 AM  
Blogger mmb said...

"anonymous said...
I hear a constant "I'm so in-control so everybody dumps on me". Well, maybe its because you're acting so as to control others to the point that they feel they have no choice except to dump on you."

What the fuck? You are calling her controlling? Based on what?

This is why you should turn moderation on so people can't leave idiotic messages anonymously. Your ex sounds like a jerk. He cheated on you right? Why are you beating yourself up? Good riddance. And good luck!

2/08/2006 10:25 AM  
Blogger Coloratura said...

I kinda sorta agree with mmb... the cheating thing -is- a big deal. I think he just wanted you to be able to forget it and forgive him. Men hate to feel guilty, anyone does really.

But trust, once broken, is quite difficult to re-establish. They say it can make marriages stronger, and I think that may be the case for some, but for most it destroys it.

Don't make new men in your life pay for past mistakes, though. You have to learn to let them in, innocent until proven guilty, or you will be swillin’ bubbles in front of your monitor for the rest of your life.

That all takes time, however. So, in the meantime, find the hobby you were thinking of taking up... get your mind off men. It kind of sounds like you're not ready to handle dating again yet anyway.

Part of me also wants to caution you against waiting too long in the event you want to have children... believe me, dealing with fertility issues sucks and is to be avoided if at all possible.

2/08/2006 10:49 AM  
Blogger Neil said...

I agree with the last commenter. It doesn't sound you are ready to jump into a new relationship. But it sounds like bad news to go backwards. Find something to do with yourself until you feel ready again. It will happen. You're not the first person to have these problems. Remember that. People move on.

2/08/2006 11:28 AM  
Anonymous becky said...

I want to wish you the best of luck. I have been reading your blog for a while and sounds like you have a lot of stuff going on. It's easy to judge for distance but only you can know what works for you.

2/08/2006 12:05 PM  
Anonymous anon said...

anonymous you are an asshole.

cherchez, i agree with the others. if you are not ready don't try to force yourself but don't give up either. john sounds nice so maybe give him a chance.

2/08/2006 2:24 PM  

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