Friday, June 23, 2006

Far from the Madding Crowd

Watching a man bump into a woman today as I made my way across a crowded street at lunch I realized for the umpteenth time just how far I had come from New York. The man apologized, the woman accepted the apology and no profanities were exchanged. It was politeness all around. And although I still love and miss New York and its general apathy and lack of consideration for anyone but the supreme self (or the extended self in the case of coupled individuals who actually like their other halves) I realized something else for the umpteenth time - that although I still missed New York I no longer missed my New York ex.

This isn’t necessarily cause and effect but there is correlation. Up until a few weeks ago I would not have been able to think of New York without thinking of T. But now my love for one has nothing to do with the other. T could be happy, sad, coupled, single, cheating, faithful. He could remember me or forget me altogether. It doesn't matter. There are no triggers that bring back memories. No tears. No "How could he do this to me?" that eventually gives way to "How could I let this happen to myself?" Not because the questions weren't important or because you have all the answers but because they have lost their edge.

What no one tells you about a bad breakup is that afterwards there comes a point where you don’t want anyone anymore. And it’s not like the way you didn’t want someone when you were younger and carefree or the way you might not want someone whom you didn’t love. It goes deeper. It’s something intangible etched in your psyche pushing you away from intimacy. It’s not fear. Not at surface. Maybe if you took a deeper look. But you don’t want to look because you have finally stopped riding the emotional wave and it’s a nice place to be for a change. And because a part of you wonders if the not wanting anyone new is not really a different spin on a familiar feeling, that of wanting someone old.

And then, some time later, you come to another bend in the road where you no longer want to start anything new but not because you still want someone old. You are done with that part. It’s over. And it makes you neither happy nor sad because it’s neither a happy nor a sad realization. It’s just there.


Anonymous carrie said...

I feel exactly this way!!!!!

6/30/2006 12:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Keep up the good work » » »

2/15/2007 8:49 AM  

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