Wednesday, September 27, 2006

When Push Comes to Shove

Why do we so often wait for an external stimulus that may not be coming? We all do it, at different times to varying degrees. The moment will come. Something will happen that will change things. Get in shape, change jobs, ditch that deadend relationship. In time, when the moment comes...

Maybe it's fear of failure, maybe it's laziness or maybe it's a refusal to give up something that may not be good for you but has become oddly comfortable and familiar.

I don't think being diagnosed with diabetes was that moment for me. I think it was the moment when I said, "The moment isn't coming." The day after my diagnosis I signed up to work with a personal trainer 3 times a week at the gym. I also signed up to work with a registered dietician once a week for the next 10 weeks.

To think it has only been a week. It feels much longer. It feels like a lifetime ago.

For the greater part in my life I have been carefree and happy and I have been that through some pretty hard things. I was used to taking care of myself. Didn't feel broken before. Up until 2 years ago. The last two years were in many ways the the worst thing that happened to me. And the best. The aftermath left me vulnerable, weak and insecure. I let go of my defenses and never got them back. Not that letting go of my defenses was necessarily a bad thing but losing it, and losing myself, was.

I got over T some time ago. I even got over my mom's health, career setbacks and financial losses. And now I think I am finally forgiving myself.

It's okay to screw up, feel vulnerable, show your emotions, rely on outside help and not always know how your life is going to turn out. It's okay to be weak. It's okay to fail. As long as you can pick up the pieces and move on. I am.

To my faithful reader community of 1 and occasionally 2 - I started a separate blog to track my workouts and nutrition as I work towards my goal of running a marathon some day so I probably won't be posting as much here. Not that I currently do. :-) But I will be posting here, and in case I lose you before I get my next post up, I just want to say thanks. For reading and for your words of encouragement.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Fears and Getting Over Them

I made that list in my head as I was driving back from my doctor's office today after finding out that I have diabetes. I have probably had it for some time, at least a year. We are guessing a year because my last blood test a year ago was normal and I started gaining weight around Dec which according to my doctor could have been an early sign of insulin resistance which left untreated developed into full blown diabetes. Being genetically predisposed to the disease probably didn't hurt either.

Deepak Chopra says we fear most that what has already happened to us. I guess it's true. It's definitely true in my case. On the drive home I made a list of all my fears. It was triggered by a comment my doctor made about not being afraid. To my surprise my biggest fears turned out to be those that have already come to pass. Not that that makes it any better or more bearable or the possibility of it happening again any less frightening but knowing that you have come through one thing does make you believe that maybe you can come through another too and even simply admitting to yourself that you have fears but knowing you haven't let them hold you back makes you feel stronger.

And then, of course, a little voice in your head pipes up and petulantly asks, "But how much longer? And why me?" But thankfully, that voice is easily suppressed. For today.

There are days when I would really like to wake up and find that it has all just been a bad dream and my life is flawless. Perfect. Like a hothouse flower carefully grown in a climate-controlled environment and transplanted with great care into a gilded vase - beautiful, blissful, untainted. And for years to varying degrees I have rejected reality and pretended I was living some kind of a metaphoric Cinderella story. The glass slippers were just twinkling around the corner waiting for my feet. But, somehow, I don't think so. I think this is it. And I think I am finally growing into the fact that this is my life and I just have to make the best of it. Not that I haven't but for the last few years it has been easier to break down than to break mold. And then, for a while afterwards, it was all happiness all around because things weren't as bad as they had been. "Things could be worse." "My life doesn't completely suck." "Many people don't even get this. Who am I to complain? What right do I have?"

And now? Now I guess is the next revolution. Whatever that may be.