Monday, September 18, 2006

Fears and Getting Over Them

I made that list in my head as I was driving back from my doctor's office today after finding out that I have diabetes. I have probably had it for some time, at least a year. We are guessing a year because my last blood test a year ago was normal and I started gaining weight around Dec which according to my doctor could have been an early sign of insulin resistance which left untreated developed into full blown diabetes. Being genetically predisposed to the disease probably didn't hurt either.

Deepak Chopra says we fear most that what has already happened to us. I guess it's true. It's definitely true in my case. On the drive home I made a list of all my fears. It was triggered by a comment my doctor made about not being afraid. To my surprise my biggest fears turned out to be those that have already come to pass. Not that that makes it any better or more bearable or the possibility of it happening again any less frightening but knowing that you have come through one thing does make you believe that maybe you can come through another too and even simply admitting to yourself that you have fears but knowing you haven't let them hold you back makes you feel stronger.

And then, of course, a little voice in your head pipes up and petulantly asks, "But how much longer? And why me?" But thankfully, that voice is easily suppressed. For today.

There are days when I would really like to wake up and find that it has all just been a bad dream and my life is flawless. Perfect. Like a hothouse flower carefully grown in a climate-controlled environment and transplanted with great care into a gilded vase - beautiful, blissful, untainted. And for years to varying degrees I have rejected reality and pretended I was living some kind of a metaphoric Cinderella story. The glass slippers were just twinkling around the corner waiting for my feet. But, somehow, I don't think so. I think this is it. And I think I am finally growing into the fact that this is my life and I just have to make the best of it. Not that I haven't but for the last few years it has been easier to break down than to break mold. And then, for a while afterwards, it was all happiness all around because things weren't as bad as they had been. "Things could be worse." "My life doesn't completely suck." "Many people don't even get this. Who am I to complain? What right do I have?"

And now? Now I guess is the next revolution. Whatever that may be.

3 Comments:

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9/19/2006 2:27 PM  
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Blogger Donna said...

I'm sorry to hear about your recent diagnosis. I hadn't thought of it in this way before, but I fall into the category of fearing things that have already happened. I firmly believe that lighning does strike twice in the same place, if that place is me. We are stronger than we know. I gotta believe that too or I would spend my days in a fetal position. Take care.

9/23/2006 11:09 AM  

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