Wednesday, September 27, 2006

When Push Comes to Shove

Why do we so often wait for an external stimulus that may not be coming? We all do it, at different times to varying degrees. The moment will come. Something will happen that will change things. Get in shape, change jobs, ditch that deadend relationship. In time, when the moment comes...

Maybe it's fear of failure, maybe it's laziness or maybe it's a refusal to give up something that may not be good for you but has become oddly comfortable and familiar.

I don't think being diagnosed with diabetes was that moment for me. I think it was the moment when I said, "The moment isn't coming." The day after my diagnosis I signed up to work with a personal trainer 3 times a week at the gym. I also signed up to work with a registered dietician once a week for the next 10 weeks.

To think it has only been a week. It feels much longer. It feels like a lifetime ago.

For the greater part in my life I have been carefree and happy and I have been that through some pretty hard things. I was used to taking care of myself. Didn't feel broken before. Up until 2 years ago. The last two years were in many ways the the worst thing that happened to me. And the best. The aftermath left me vulnerable, weak and insecure. I let go of my defenses and never got them back. Not that letting go of my defenses was necessarily a bad thing but losing it, and losing myself, was.

I got over T some time ago. I even got over my mom's health, career setbacks and financial losses. And now I think I am finally forgiving myself.

It's okay to screw up, feel vulnerable, show your emotions, rely on outside help and not always know how your life is going to turn out. It's okay to be weak. It's okay to fail. As long as you can pick up the pieces and move on. I am.

To my faithful reader community of 1 and occasionally 2 - I started a separate blog to track my workouts and nutrition as I work towards my goal of running a marathon some day so I probably won't be posting as much here. Not that I currently do. :-) But I will be posting here, and in case I lose you before I get my next post up, I just want to say thanks. For reading and for your words of encouragement.


Blogger Reviewer "Devil" Extraordinaire said...

I live by the saying

"Whatever doesn't kill you, just makes you stronger"

I can see that you do too.

All of us have our scars and failures. It doesn't define us. But how we react to the disappointments and setbacks is what makes us who we are.

Hang in there !

10/03/2006 10:42 PM  
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